Friday, November 7, 2008

The art of being rude and cheap.

A conversation I just had with a (female) Sears telemarketer

Sears: "Is Emily Horne available?"

Me: "Yes, this is she."

Sears: "I just have a few questions for you."

Me: "I'm not interested."

Sears: "How old are your heating and cooling units?"

Me: "Wow, you have some serious balls, don't you?"

Sears: "Um, how old are your heating and cooling units?"

Me: "Tell me about your girl cojones... are they hairy?"

Sears: "Uhhh, so, again... how old are your heating and cooling units?"

Me: "Mine? Oh, I just have a little stubble on mine. They dropped when I was about 14.. but geeze, your balls... they are amazing. Steadfast. It's like you can't even acknowledge what I am saying, your balls are so big. Tell me, can I get balls like yours at Sears?"

Sears: "Well, thank you for your time, we will call again soon."

Me: "Oh, I bet my balls you will! Talk to you then..."

Dial tone.

Well, it may not be as funny in blog form, but I had Rey rolling in the other room.

SO! What is up?! Halloween / Thanksgiving purgatory? I hear ya. I've been working on the house... anticipating a visit from the parentals. Working on pictures... from Maggie's school dance and Halloween... Rey took some maternity shots that I have been editing. Tomorrow I go see my hippy midwives to get Jack turned. He is transverse breech... meaning he is laying across the top of my belly, sideways. His hard head is rammed into right ribcage... very uncomfortable. I've tried leading him down with flashlights... putting speakers with soothing music... heating pads at the bottom of my belly. Then I stick a bag of frozen broccoli right on his little head. He kicks at the flashlight, and could care less about the rest of it. I'm not worried about him being delivered breech, I just want to sit here and watch all five seasons of Six Feet Under pain free.

I'm cheap. I covered all the windows with plastic and I washed and distributed every blanket we have ever had so the heater doesn't get turned on unless we HAVE to. When I hear the gas on the stove, the heater or the hot water unit in the garage... I see dollar bills flying out of vents and faucets. I pirate everything ('nuff said). When I grocery shop, I use comparative ads and a million coupons. Sometimes, they owe me money. Man, I could tell you a coupon story or two. I buy our clothes at thrift stores, I scour the internet for the best deals on anything we need, and I RARELY spend frivolously. (Sushi.. I'll buy Sushi.) I'm sure my friends and family cant count how many times I've said "Guess how much I got this for?" It's usually one dollar. This is not just because I am pregnant.... pinny pinching became a way of life when I had my first apartment and lived on potatoes and mayonnaise. One Christmas when I was about 20, I went shopping with my mom at some scary mall in Abilene. We were in a Macy's or something and she told me to pick out a T-shirt. She pointed to a couple racks with embroidered t-shirts that were all about $35.00 each. My stomach cramped up... I got all sweaty.... I had my first real panic attack. Mother was completely embarrassed as I stood crying and frozen in front of the overpriced shirts. Whatever. It's a relatively victimless issue. Waitresses... they get tipped, but not generously. I'm sure Rey would rather me scrimp and save then go buy shoes and makeup with his paychecks. Maggie has EVERYTHING she needs and MOST of what she wants... always, no matter what. Because I buy on the cheap, go to garage sales and thrift stores, she has more crap than she knows what to do with. Oh, and I'm sure I spoil her a little strictly out of guilt for being so cheap. What do you think? It's it good to be like this? Is being a bargain nazi some from of gluttonous greed?

I could go off on another tangent, but I think I'll just add some pictures and call it good. Six weeks until we are joined by baby Jack!!


Love you people...

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