Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Poetry: Dirty Socks

Dirty Socks
by Emily Horne  1/24/13

In my little world, I am in charge of clean socks.
You'll wash them yourself? To that I say bollox!
Huffing and puffing and blowing my house in.
Not a clean sock in sight, let's get out the violin.

Ok, I'll wash some, although the sock is arbitrary
I mean, I've washed 'em it before, it's not revolutionary
But, I've gone nuts, gone mad and about to shave a mohawk
But it's got so little to do with your dirty fucking sock.

I'm real, and I'm smart and I'm undeniably clever
I embrace each adventure and encourage endeavor.
I have more to give than I can even withhold
If I let it all out, it would grow tenfold.

But I don’t, 'cause I can't, 'cause there is dirt in my grout
and the kids need a bath and we are out of sauerkraut.
This damn laundry (along with your socks),
is 3 feet high and is unwilling to stop
Dishes, and dinner and the run-of-the-mill
Excuse me, sorry, do you have a sleeping pill?

This is the part of the poem where I make it okay
to eat the shit sandwich and spirit away
But I can't, so I wont, so at the end of this ditty
Your socks are still dirty, and I have no fucking pity.



Poetry: Bella Franchesca Divine


Bella Franchesca Divine
by Emily Horne 1/21/13

For Bella Franchesca Divine
Being Bowlegged's just fine
A pigeon-toed beauty
A cross-eyed cutie
Just don't ask her to walk a straight line

See, my Bella Franchesca
She often reminded me of Tesla
the whirlwind of energy she created
when she prowled around and eventually mated

Oh, wait, did I forget to disclose?
That Bella is my cat, and she has 24 toes.
But hold on to your hats, folks, this one's a doozy
My Bella, my cat, is one helluva floozy.

A polydact, six toes on each paw
Hemmingway's cats- they shared the same flaw
I'm betting his cats weren’t quite so salacious
I have a bad feeling her hoohah is... hmmm... spacious?

Okay, maybe that's a bit mean
I mean, I don't want to be obscene
Honestly I have to say I'm impressed.
I mean, you'd think she'd be depressed.
Extra toes, bow-legged and cross eyed?
Appearance withstanding she pounces with pride.

The moral of this twisted kitty tale
Your fugly can be right off the Richter scale
Just take a note from Bella Franchesca Divine
Shake whatcha mamma gave you
and you'll be one sexy feline.